What the movement did not do, most agree, is enlighten men or change their views. Instead, for men who already felt victimized and angry, it helped turn feminism into a dirty word. Many women I interviewed said that their childhood had been marked by domestic violence and that they feared being hurt by men they might date, or filmed in an intimate moment. By one estimate, more than a third of Korean men and a quarter of Korean women now in their mid-to-late 30s will never marry. In all this time, the country has spent more than $150 billion hoping to coax more babies into the world.
Dating coach reveals the three texting mistakes men make that lead to women losing interest straight away
Amsellen doesn’t see any problem with childless couples and their legacy. In fact, Amsellem sees many positives about being part of a childless couple. “They have more freedom to make life choices,” she notes. Sandifur’s dad suffered from a rare bleeding disease, requiring recurring transfusions, which could have passed on to future generations. At the same time, the Vietnam War was raging, and the couple wondered whether they wanted to bring children into this troubled world. When you depend on yourself, you have certain ways you like to do things.
Older partners might enjoy the vitality and physical attractiveness of a younger partner; younger partners can benefit from the status, money, and knowledge of older partners. Evolutionary psychology explains why men are usually older in heterosexual age-gap relationships. Heterosexual couples tend to have about a three-year age difference, research suggests. Being from a small Bible Belt town, the answer could vary depending on where you live and where the women are in their 30s. Some of them had their kids real early and they’ll have moved out of the house before their Moms turn 40.
Give yourself time to find your path
It takes energy and motivation to accept and live happily without kids, and depression drains our strength. Although I can’t say I have ever felt in any way stigmatised by my status as a single, childless woman, I have come across people who have found it difficult to understand, or even accept. One positive is my daughter – who is now 12 – gets grow up seeing a bad ass single mom that leveled up, is financially independent, and takes no shit from men. She never met any of the men I dated until the one I’ve been dating for several years now who has consistently proven himself to be a HVM. And that wasn’t until we had been dating for over a year and a half.
They think, “What must you think of me if I’ve got kids? Perhaps part of this social unacceptability is that with an admission to never having children comes an underlying acknowledgment that women have sex for pleasure. Elite Singles’ childfree dating section is similar to their unfiltered dating service, but you get to “avoid” any of the awkwardness or stress that might happen when someone asks if you see yourself with kids.
Over the years, I have seen it carved into mutilated bodies left to rot on the Afghan plains. I have seen it reflected in the tears of grown men struggling with memories of childhood abuse. I have seen it in the extended bellies of starving children. A couple of years ago I was pursued via messenger by a former schoolfriend who seemed to think we would be “good together” by virtue of us both liking to write.
Unsurprisingly, other people did not take kindly to the idea that single women with no kids could be doing well, so the backlash began. On Twitter, an economist found data comparing currently married men and women, with and without children to their always-single counterparts — at one point in time. The single women with no kids were not the happiest. Just because someone has a kid doesn’t mean their partner isn’t a priority at all.
“Relationship imposter phenomenon” occurs when someone feels insecure, phony, or worries that their relationship is a fraud. Both men and women report initially being more satisfied in their marriage when their spouses were younger. Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., an expert on single people, is the Tabby author of Singled Out and other books. She is an Academic Affiliate in Psychological & Brain Sciences, UCSB. In 2017, Orna Donath tossed more fuel on the flames of controversy when she published “Regretting Motherhood,” based on her interviews with women who regretted having children.
When people ask, “When are you going to have kids? If a woman is tied down with a bunch of kids, she can’t make too much trouble. They want you to be on their level, but don’t have the courage to say it.
Men admit it when they check out and leave. Fail to conform and all eyes are on you. Think of the constant conversation around when married couples will have a child, or the speculation in the press about women of a certain age who have yet to become a mother. For men, however, it’s not discussed as much.
Coupled with the barrage of women on dating apps, the culture of constant comparison fostered by social media makes it hard for men to commit to a relationship and settle down. If that wasn’t enough, now even men’s greatest source of dating motivation has been co-opted by pornography. While women reap the benefit of the online attention, men are left wondering how the dating pool has gotten so far out of reach. Consequently, those same women who are marketing themselves as something they’re not are left without a partner and wondering where all the good men have gone.
Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, or debate this issue live on our message boards. Reporting for this article was supported by the Pulitzer Center. In 2016, a 34-year-old man murdered a woman in a public restroom near the Gangnam metro station in Seoul. Although he said he was motivated by women routinely ignoring him, police blamed mental illness.
It is unreal that in 2022, that bs message is still sent out. Most men require too much atta boys and are too insecure to be with successful women. It reminds me of a scene on Sex And The City. Miranda went on that speed dating thing and nobody bit when she said she is a partner in a law firm.